Puns, Puns, and more Puns

　[A Pun is a word or an expression that has two meanings,

and is used in a humorous way]

Hints for the Would-be World Traveler:

Are you Hungary for some good food?  Try the New Delhi! (but don't drink the water, eh!)  Is your spirit crying out for some good music?  Try some Seoul music.  If you're traveling the Mediterranean by car and need a lube, try Greece.  If your dog won't do, your Kathmandu.  And, Waikiki when you can watch Helsinki?

Need some new clothes?  Try Kashmir.  When life gets you down in the Pittsburg, try a Hamburg.  No, on second thought, why have a Hamburg, when you can have a Salzburg Steak?!

By way of warning:  Better keep your temper in IRE-land if you don't want to be Dublin over.  And, be GOOD in IslamaBAD, because everyone and their dog is Pakin', Stan!  Finally, don't forget to Czech your pockets from time to time to make sure you haven't Prague-ot anything.

You can Rome around Italy and get a Pisa pizza while you're at it.

If you fly to Netherland, you should know that you'll have to go Dutch.  And, not far from there you can have a Copenhagen and leave your Denmark in the snow.

Have a Wale of a time in SwanSEA!  And, afterward you should be 'Edinburough dee 'ighlands, mee lad.  (Am I getting my dialects mixed up here?)

If you like to go bar-hopping, there are Barcelona in Spain.  Plus, you can siesta all day and fiesta all night!

If you Canberra week of pure delight, try a visit Down Under, but be careful in the Outback.

It remains to B.C.n, but if you can maneuver from Vancouver to Nova Scotia, you CAN AD A lot of frequent flier miles Ontario your belt.

If you are into astrology, try this:

Aries -- go to Buenos AIRES

Taurus -- IstanBUL

Gemini -- The Twin Cities (I forgot their names, but they're in Texas)

Cancer -- Anywhere along the Tropic of...

Leo -- Leon, Spain

Virgo -- VIRGIN Islands

Libra -- Don't go anywhere, it's too expensive.

Scorpio -- Crawl under "The ROcK" (Republic Of Korea, affectionately called the "ROK")

Saggitarius -- Sparta, Amazon

Capricorn -- Cape Horn

Acquarius -- Take a cruise anywhere. (or a submarine, for that matter)

Pices -- FIN land (lol)

     (Yes, I wrote this by myself, didn't copy nor plagiarize.  Any similarity to other material is purely coincidental)

You've read the classics, I'm sure, such as:

1.  Yellow River, by I.P. Standing, and
2.  Willie Makit, by Betty Wohnt,

but have you read:

1.  Check's in the Mail, by Penny Leslie

2.  May Flowers, by April Showers

3.  Dirty Money, by Phil D. Luker

4.  How to Pass All Your Exams, by B. Wright

5.  How to Get Wealthy Fast, by Mary D. Rich

6.  My Final Message to the Whole Human Race, by I. M. Dunn

7.  Making the Best Wreath, by Holly Hunter

8.  Working Hard, by Har Dliwor King

9.  Doing Time, by Ben Baad

10.  Male Enhancement, by Little Richard

11.  How to Be the Greatest Salesperson in the World, by B.S. Slinger

12.  How to Pray, by Neal Down

13.  One Gore in the Pocketbook May Have Been Better Than Two in the Bush, by D. Dent Voght & Wish I. Haad

14.  The Ten Commandments of Dating, by Ben Hurt

15.  Shark Bait, by Bob Ur

16.  The Male Libido, by U. R. Haught

17.  The Female Libido, by R. U. Richie

18.  Tying the Knot, by Owa Tafu Liam

19.  Why Are We Getting Fatter?, by Lay Z. Butz

20.  The Best Way to Lose Weight, by Ghettov Eurass.

[The above puns were made by me, Leon]

Actual Business Signs:  Puns Galore

1. On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

-----meanings of the pun: "shorts" 1. short pants, 2. electrical fault

2. Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

-----meanings of the pun: "take a leak" 1. take a leaky radiator, 2. urinate

3. In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

-----meanings of the pun: "smoking" 1. v.i.- making smoke (because of being on fire), 2, v.i./v.t. inhaling smoke from a cigar or cigarette

4. On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

-----a "maternity room" is a room in a hospital where mothers give birth

-----if I need to explain this one, your brain needs a jump-start

5. On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

-----no pun here

6. At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

-----opt means eye; meter means measure; ist means person; hence, optometrist is an eye[sight]-measuring person

-----either you don't see what you're looking for, because it's not there, or you have bad eye sight.  The optometrist assumes the latter.

7. On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

-----usually it is written: "Gone Fishin'", which sounds like "Gone Fission", but of course "Fission" is a scientist's word.

8. On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

-----tax means order; derm means skin; ist means person; hence, taxidermist is a person who takes the skin off a dead animal (by cutting it), then puts it "in order", and stuffs it.

-----meanings of the pun: "stuff" 1. things, 2. material to fill something (stuffing, n.)

9. In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

-----original saying:  "Time heals all wounds."

10. On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

-----original saying:  "Let me meet your needs."

11. On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

-----original saying:  "Pleased to meet you."

12. At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

-----original saying:  "...in first class condition."

13. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

-----no pun here

14. At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

-----meanings of the pun: "get back on your feet" 1. start walking again, 2. recover from a problem

15. Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

-----no pun here

16. Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

-----homophone:  inn(motel)-experienced and in(not)-experienced

17. At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

-----I don't get it

18. In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

-----meanings of the pun: "drop your pants" 1. let your pants down, 2. drop off your pants

19. On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

-----no pun here

20. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

-----no pun here

21. On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

-----original expression: "Out Shoppin'." (similar sound)

22. At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."  (meaning: you will be de-lighted (meaning: your lights will be down/off)

23. In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

-----original expression: "Die now!"

24. On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

-----no pun here, just a play on words

25. On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

-----original expression: "Out for a quick bite." (meaning: "...for a quick bite to eat.")

26. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

-----meanings of the pun: "get fed up" 1. be given food until full, 2. be sick and tired of (sth)

27. Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

-----meanings of the pun: "pin" 1. a small tool for piercing, 2. a wooden stick to be knocked over

28. In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

-----meanings of the pun: "shoes are required to eat" 1. shoes are required FOR YOU to eat, 2. shoes (themselves) are required to eat.

29. On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

-----original expression: "Back in a minute."

-----Bach /bak/ was a famous musical composer

-----Minuet /min-ju-et/ is a kind of musical composition

30. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

-----no pun here... nice sentiment

31. In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

-----no pun here... so true.

[Author unknown]

A little Church Humor

Why do we say "aMEN" instead of "aWOMEN"at the end of songs in church?

Because we sing "hymns" instead of "hers".

[Author Unknown]

A little Baseball Humor

This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Yankees baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the 
Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
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>Think some more!!
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>Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

[meaning of the pun: "fifth" (1) fifth¹ = fifth inning, (2) fifth² = a fifth of a gallon of liquor]

[meaning of the pun: "the bags are loaded"...

(1)Baseball Slang: bag = base; loaded = all three bases are full

(2)General Slang:  bag = old lady; loaded = fully drunk, fully intoxicated

[Author Unknown]

The Blind Man

A Catholic convent is renovating a room. The Mother Superior orders two nuns to paint the room, but commands not to get any paint on their clothes. So the two nuns lock the door, take off all their clothes and proceed to paint the room. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. "Who is it?" asks one of the nuns through the door. "Blind man," comes the reply. The two nuns look at each other and decide that a blind man would be permitted. So, they open the door. The man says, "Nice Boobs! Now, where do you want these blinds?"

Fable: "The Chubby Little Fly"

 
There once was a happy, chubby little fly buzzing around a barn when she happened on a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been minutes since her last meal she flew down to the irresistible delicacy, joined all her little friends and began to feed in a not very ladylike manner. 
She supped and supped and supped then supped some more! Finally, she decided she had consumed an elegant sufficiency. She delicately washed her round little face with her tiny front legs, suppressed a tiny belch and then attempted to fly away with her friends to who were following the cow. But alas, she had indulged far too much and couldn't get off the ground. Oh, the humiliation of it all. She could almost hear the other little flies giggling at her expense. She frantically searched around desperate to find a way out of this unpleasant and embarrassing situation when she spotted an axe handle leaning upright against the barn wall. Dear Lord, a solution! In a flash of hope and insight, she realized that if she could become airborne she'd be able to fly again. 
She climbed and climbed to the top of the axe handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings from around her round and corpulent belly and leaped confidently into the air. 
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor!! 

The moral of this sad story is:

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit!

*****Explanation*****

[The Pun: "fly off the handle" has two meanings:

(1) the literal meaning:  to jump off a handle in order to fly;

(2) the figurative meaning:  to yell out of anger.

The Pun:  "be full of shit" has two meanings:

(1) the literal meaning:  to contain feces.

(2) the figurative meaning:  to have useless or erroneous information]

A toothless termite story

A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks:  "Is the bar tender here?"

*****Explanation*****

"Is the bar tender here?" has two meanings:

(1) Is the person who tends bar here?

(2) Is this part of the bar tender? (because I have no teeth)